chocolatefries

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I made it through everything.

I'm moving to Ypsilanti soon I think. Everyone promised they'd hangout with me. I can work for Tania or there's cool startup jobs in Ann Arbor, according to Craigslist. I could get a place with a backyard maybe and have bonfires and beers maybe. And there would be more projects to work on I think. I really love everyone and I think I'm going to start doing the right things in 2010. It makes so much sense. I could get a micro pig.



And a hammock! Finally a hammock. The only thing I'm really bummed about is I'll have to own a car. That will be weird.

Emily made me a sandwich and caught me up on everything. New York has been talking about long underwear and boots since I left. Her plant died. She's really moving out this time, she says. South Brooklyn, which will make her relationship "long distance," because her boyfriend lives in Williamsburg.

I still miss someone, and I love songs, and hooooold steady I'm on my way to you.

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Is it Tuesday? We didn't do much of anything today. I want to write a story or song based on Matt's text messages:

--I am arse deep in flour.
--I could bake a loaf of bread in my taint right now.

Time! is pulling us through.

I took this epic nap that I thought I couldn't recover from but I did. I helped Chris make the Mittenfest stage. The Ugly Mug crew and the famous DJ dude and the bartender from Onsted are so nice. I know stuff always evaporates every year but it's so fun to pretend I live here.

I am lost but okay most of the time.

...is pulling us through.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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Strangest week.

I want it back.

Oh the things that can happen! The how and the why of me staying. The bickering that occurred at various venues around Ypsilanti. And the bleary morning breakfast at The Bomber and the frozen-toed Michigan December. How Matt begged me to dance with Misty. And who spilled the beer and how much we laughed. And how it was more or less the same every night here.

And hold steady, I’m on my way to you.

Me and Greg keep making plans that will fall apart but it’s fun anyway. I got a little video camera for Christmas, and so we are going to try to make a video blog. Here’s day 0:


Oh I am gonna play the drums! I haven’t sat behind a kit in over a year. My kit which is in Sam’s basement from when we used to jam and then drink whiskey while listening to Sublime Frequencies. I’m not really looking forward to playing drums at the show, but I’m really excited about hanging with Greg and Matt and everyone all week. It’s ridiculously interesting to watch this thing come together from the other side. When you book shows you only ever deal with spreadsheets and checklists and deadlines. Watching all the musicians haplessly organize themselves into bands and share instruments and practice spaces, all while intoxicated, is like studying an ant colony. That is drunk all the time.

Greg’s new songs are really, really good. This one is my favorite:


I forgot about how much you can be loved back. They all love me like Brandon and Dan and Katie and Joy and Meredith love me, but there’s more of them and there are no sad subways. Just big hugs and stories relating to their Christmases or the state of their record label or memorable nights from their most recent tour. And humungous beers for $2.25 at the Sidetrack where you pause to admire the snow-covered trains as they pass, and where the vomit covers the men’s bathroom floor. Like, totally covers it. And then other people call you and say come to the Elbow Room, which is where Andy will yell while triumphantly holding a PBR in the air before you can order it, swinging it back and forth for effect. A famous electronic musician dude who sells out clubs all over the world casually spins records in the back, and everyone is really good at pool. How come it can hurt so bad when things are so good.

I am the reason for the season but everything hurts too much still, and I wish I was in bed in space, but it’s okay. I don’t look at calendars anymore or ask people when I’ll be able to sleep. Greg told me about a dinner table in my head where I can sit alone and just care about myself. He calls it Table For One. So if life wants to be sad then it can be sad and I'll just keep going. I can't sleep but I will accept the charges, operator. Next summer can be lonely if it wants to be. It will be okay.

If you want me I’m on my way to you.

In a sleeping bag in Ypsi. If I could do it all over again I seriously would have moved here after last summer. I did Hives at karaoke. And Country Roads backup vocals. I love Matt and Greg and Misty and they love me and I can tell. What am I gonna do. What am I supposed to do.

I love it here so much. I finally feel like myself again. I really did forget what is good about me for a second.

They all care about me it's too much to handle. I really miss these people. They all take care for each other and I can't figure it out. I just know I feel like myself for the first time in a long time.

Hate to say I told you sooooo.

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I messed everything up and now I can't stay in Michigan. I talk about Michigan all year and now I can't even stay here for more than 3 days because I'm really sad all the time and want to go home and empty my room and put stars on the ceiling and lay in my bed and pretend I'm in space. How come I dig all these holes.

This is going to be a really hard year I think. I hope I'm wrong. Step 1: stop digging holes. I am so anxious I feel really sick all the time. And world record nightmares. And it keeps getting worse. Stop digging holes. Stop being sad. Stop losing your mind. Say it again. Maybe I'll train for another marathon and that will keep me together.

I really don't mean to be this way. I've banned Jason Molina from my ears. I hope my friends still love me after this. I feel like I've taxed everyone to their limits for the past few weeks, and I'm worse than ever now. Joe called and I couldn't speak. I want to be there for my friends for a change but all I can do is buy people beers and say I'm sorry for being sad. I bet I've bought 50 beers for Joy since she moved to Park Slope. I'll stop digging holes and be there for my friends and talk slower in 2010. I'll respond to emails and make more mix cds.

My nephew came to visit and saved my life for a little bit. He is so strong and I love him so hard.





I finally can hold babies and not freak out too much. I love him and want to teach him about The Hold Steady and Wikipedia.